FOMO No More!

You may be familiar with the concept of “FOMO”, “Fear of Missing Out”—an external pull towards doing everything—or as much as we possibly can—out of a fear of missing an event or activity in which others are partaking. It’s the ultimate “Keeping up with the Joneses” drive.

Pre-pandemic, FOMO kept us busy and disengaged from our wise, quiet centers; and from being connected more presently with others. We were compelled to do, do, do. Do for our kids and their overbooked schedules. Do for work just a little more every day. Do on the weekends so we don’t miss out on the “time off”. Do whatever else, just so we can cross it off a list of some sort.

Then came the pandemic that reintroduced staying home and re-learning how to occupy ourselves. The pandemic did, of course, have its own FOMO issues, such as the (made-up) social pressure to become the best gardener/baker/crafter/closet organizer/home remodeler/ and so forth. Not that there is anything wrong with being active, crafty, or handy! However, activity—going out all the time to restaurants and more restaurants, concerts, and other various activities, kept us from remembering what is important: Real connection.

FOMO is when we use those activities to forget our inner life, believing that what’s on the outside is more important than what’s on the inside—while at the same time trying to feel fulfilled. It isn’t fulfilling, but, darn it, we sure do keep on trying with gusto!

As our country and world begin to reopen (some places sooner than others), let’s remember a few important lessons we learned from our time of sheltering in place:

1.     Quiet is the way we listen to and strengthen our intuition. When we are too busy, that still, small voice within is drowned by noises, worry, rushing, and over-scheduling. Plan your daily quiet time. There is nothing more important than that.

2.     Remember JOMO, the Joy Of Missing Out. Did you really miss all that activity? Or, was it refreshing not to have to be on the go all the time? What are you glad you were able to stop doing during our shelter-in-place time? Don’t feel obligated to recommence everything. Pick the ones that fit the lifestyle you want, and leave the rest for the FOMOists!

3.     Remember the importance of connection. When we couldn’t gather with our loved ones, remember how important that became. Remember how we longed for human touch and togetherness. A crowded concert is not the same as a quiet gathering with family or close friends.

4.     Remember the nature that flourished while the humans were quiet. Remember how a walk outside was a unique experience filled with wonder and deeply  refreshing to our concerned minds and hearts. Appreciate those moments of breathing in the quiet stirrings of nature.

Let’s not go back to busyness at all costs! Remember what is important: connection with our loved ones, connection with nature, connection within.

Connection to Self, Others, Nature

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The Secret to Smooth Holidays

The holiday season is upon us, and for all the joy the holiday brings, for some of us it is the time when we gather with people we probably shouldn’t be around. Alas, blood is sometimes thicker than one’s mental health.

Most likely, you know your family members pretty well. You know who is going to get drunk and embarrassing, who will get nasty, who will be emotional and demanding, and who will be enjoyable to be around. Chances are, they haven’t changed all that much since last year!

So, why not proactively enter the holidays with an attitude of forgiveness and resiliency?  We are here to evolve into more conscious, responsible individuals. Often, mental health issues arise when we resist what is happening around us and our equilibrium gets out of whack. It is restored as we embrace and adjust to life situations, knowing when to be accepting of others’ less-evolved personalities, and when to get the heck out of their way. A difficult discipline, and a soul-strengthening one!

Having a new experience of the holiday season requires us to examine past decisions and expectations, learn from them, and move on. Uncle Delbert the Drunk will not likely have changed, unless he has successfully gone through treatment. Bringing our old ways of thinking into a situation where we want change can lead to depression: Not clearing the air of our own inefficient and undesirable beliefs and patterns, but expecting new results!

A powerful forgiveness and resilience tool is Jane Elizabeth Hart’s Seven Steps for Successful Life Transitions. Jane Elizabeth created this method for releasing old patterns, beliefs and other life situations, based on her personal experiences of change, loss and spiritual growth. Each of the Seven Steps deals with an aspect of the situation at hand.  For holidays, she suggests working with the family system as a whole (rather than each person individually) through each step. Journaling is suggested, tissues should be on hand, and laughter at some point is a must. (http://www.cfenlightenment.org.)

Step one is ‘Gratitude and Acceptance’ and deals with all that we are grateful for in regards to our family gatherings and members thereof.  Write down all the aspects of these events that you are grateful for.  What joy have these situations brought to you?  Don’t worry if you can’t think of anything; simply return to it when you can.

Step two looks at the ‘Good Times.’  Think of specific situations in the past that have been enjoyable for you at these family gatherings.  There might be something that keeps bringing you back for more.  Again, skip it if you need to.

Step three allows us to look at our ‘Hopes and Dreams.’  What do you hope will happen?  What have you dreamt that these gatherings would be like?  Who do you hope you don’t have to see when you’re there?  Who do you hope will behave differently?  Who have you wanted to get to know, but never have approached?  Get those thoughts from swimming around in your head, creating unnecessary stress!   It doesn’t mean that these hopes and wishes will necessarily come true; this is to help you let them go.

Step four deals with those ‘Disappointments and Difficulties.’  Ah, yes, the confrontations, the embarrassments, the arguments, the losses—everything.  Can you see why you have dreaded these events?  Can you see any unresolved issues within yourself that are surfacing to be healed?

The most important step is the fifth step:  ‘Forgiveness.’  This is how we heal.  Who or what circumstance is the hardest to forgive?  Why?  What does it mean for you if you don’t forgive?  What does it mean for you if you do?  If we can find it in ourselves to forgive obnoxious behavior, we can handle it much better when it greets us with a wet kiss.  We are not condoning unacceptable behavior—dealing with that is a whole other article—I’m talking about the annoying and the petty.  Forgiveness requires a certain leap of faith—whatever ours may be—into a space of allowing another to be what they choose to be without it throwing us off-center.  Forgiveness pulls us out of the mindset that someone can ruin our day by not meeting our expectations, and puts us into a space of compassion and non-resistance toward less-conscious behavior in others (and ourselves!).  It’s tough, but if we are willing, it could just save our holiday.

Finally, we ‘Release’ all these in the sixth step, and affirm our ‘Completion’ with the process in step seven.  I like having a ritual for my completion process, sometimes burning my journaling notes, or using Hart’s Seven Step meditation.

The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves; and when we are okay with ourselves, we can be open to better possibilities.  If you get stuck on a situation that has happened in your family, be sure to seek professional help.

No matter what has happened in the past, every new year—every day!—opens new doors for us. Our job is to prepare our minds and hearts for those opportunities to come forth, not so Delbert the Drunk will change, but so we can.

Happy holidays!

The Joy Is in the Giving

One of my favorite sayings of my spiritual mentor, Jane Elizabeth Hart, is “The joy is in the giving.”

It has taken me many years to appreciate this as more than just a pretty platitude–especially moving into the holidays!

Finding joy in giving means to understand that when we are acting only for ourselves, that energy has no where to go but back to ourselves. This is important, to replenish and refresh ourselves sometimes. But when we give freely with joy and loving kindness, that energy ripples out into the far stretches of the universe! For that moment, we have expanded ourselves far outside of where our energy normally resides. It is like an amazing, huge yoga stretch!

Plus, finding joy in giving makes us want to give more—to re-experience that joy, that refreshing stretch beyond ourselves. Once we get out of our box, we don’t want to go back inside that small space!

Recently, I helped some friends pack Christmas gifts for children in other countries. There were several boxes, and as we filled each one, we were silently blessing each toy and piece of candy. I could imagine the love and joy the child would experience as she or he opened the box—an explosion of love and light! I could feel my own energy expanding beyond myself, beyond this country, rippling throughout the planet.

The song I sung in childhood that reminds me of this concept is “Magic Penny”. Do you remember singing that song? Did you ever realize that the magic penny symbolized your own energy, multiplying and supporting you in infinitely greater ways? Here are a few of the lyrics:

Love is something if you give it away;
You’ll end up having more.
It’s just like a magic penny:
Hold it tight and you won’t have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you’ll have so many
They’ll roll all over the floor.

As you give this coming holiday season, no matter how big or small a gift, put your energy of love and joy into it, and don’t let it stop flowing at your gift’s recipient—see that love and joy rippling out, sending a wave of blessing throughout the planet.

The joy is in the giving!

Today Is a New Day

Our country spoke loudly yesterday.

It said to us that there are people who feel angry, left out, disenfranchised, forgotten. It said that people are struggling to feel safe, at peace, secure on a regular basis. It said that people want to be heard, understood, respected.

If those people exist in our country, we have all helped create them and maintain their unhappy existence, even in the midst of our happy one.

So, for those of us who haven’t felt angry, left out, disenfranchised, forgotten, now is the time to reach out, to step out of our comfort zone and lift someone up, lend a hand, notice, listen, love.

For those of us who have felt safe, peaceful, and secure, it is time to spread that peace, to offer safety, and to help secure it for those who haven’t had it.

For those of us with a voice and arbitrary societal respect, it is time to hear the unheard.

Let go of the fear that your clean world is going to hell. We have a family to raise, brothers and sisters whom we have forgotten, ignored, neglected.

Be ready to share. Be ready to give. Be ready to equalize. Be ready to strengthen your insides and help others strengthen theirs.

This is not about now having to protect ourselves. It is about courageous service to humanity.

Love, compassion, action.

Mindful Myth Busting #2: Observing the Mind Is Not the Hard Part

If you’re watching this video or reading this post, you probably already know about mindfulness, the practice of being aware, in the present moment, without judgment. I’m not going to go into the hows of mindfulness so we can focus on busting a myth about it.

I hear from a lot of people that having even a five minute mindfulness practice — or any kind of meditation practice — is too hard because they don’t like to sit and listen to their minds go wild, that that is hard to watch.

But, that’s the point, right? How can we support ourselves day to day if we don’t know what’s swimming around in our head all the time, guiding our behavior when we’re not looking?

If we break it down, it’s not hard to sit and listen to that chatter; most of us can do that. The hard part is having compassion for ourselves and what we carry around with us all the time–those thoughts and emotions that float through our awareness in that five minute practice! That is the non-judgment piece of mindfulness: compassion.

So how do we stop judging ourselves? We are all so good at it! Most of us are experts at finding what’s wrong with everything about ourselves. Learning how to judge ourselves less and display more self-compassion is a practice in itself.

First we have to be aware that we are judging ourselves. A mindfulness practice is great to help us be aware of that. We sit and notice what thoughts float by, then we notice how quickly we jump in with a judgment about that thought. When we can gently observe the judgment, we let it dissipate instead of adding thought power to it.

In our mindfulness practice, we know that we are to notice even the judgment and let it pass, gently bringing our attention back to our anchor: image, breath, word, mantra, sound, etc.

But if you find that you frequently gt caught up in a negative space of judging yourself throughout the day, you might need a little extra backup for yourself more often as you shift from that judging mindset to a more compassionate one.

When you catch yourself in negative self-talk — putting yourself down, criticizing yourself, and so forth — notice that it’s happening, take a belly breath, and ask yourself, “If I had compassion for myself right now, how would this look?”
Most of the time, even just the fantasy of being gentle and kind to yourself feels so much more relaxed and peaceful than a self-judgmental head space.

The simple question, “ If I had compassion for myself, how would this look?” allows us — our real, solid Selves — to take back a little bit of control from the swirling brain commotion that is happening in that moment.

As you continue or recommence your mindfulness or other meditation practice, remember that compassion is the key for gently and efficiently retraining your mind to be more present, aware and non-judgmental throughout the day.

Thanks for watching!

 

http://www.dynamiccounseling.info

https://lynnbarrette.wordpress.com/

https://www.facebook.com/dynamiccounseling/

What Is the Glass Ceiling between You and Your Soul?

2015 Lynn Barrette

Usually when we talk about the glass ceiling, we are referring to that organizational block that keeps us from moving up the hierarchy of a company. But have you ever noticed a glass ceiling on your life’s journey? Have you felt a block that stands between you and the fulfillment of your heart’s desire?

Similarly to a dead end job, our inner glass ceiling can make us feel hopeless, helpless, and like the victim of circumstances. The glass ceiling makes us feel it is impenetrable—why should we even bother trying? Yet, there’s something inside of us that keeps reflecting to us those wonderful possibilities! There are always options open to us, if we are willing to look at them—and take action on them—and allow ourselves to be transformed.

When we moved from Kansas to Michigan, I went through a difficult bout of depression. Even though my children were still young, I had been wearing the identity of “stay-at-home mom” for some time. But, it was no longer working for me, and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t see any other options—and besides, I loved my family very much, so of course I should feel terribly guilty for not wanting to be home with them all the time, right?

Guilt and shame made up my inner glass ceiling. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, was my daily mantra. I could hear the possibilities on the other side, but I didn’t know how to get there. As I worked on uncovering the solution through journaling and meditation (and the help of my spiritual mentor and an awesome therapist), I realized I had work to do to move beyond that glass ceiling! Finally, I had the divine idea to go back to school and pursue a career as a behavioral health therapist, blending my spiritual education with psychology to support others in the best way I can.

It cost me time and effort. It forced me to move beyond the guilt and shame of being a full time student, a wife, and a mother—having less time with everyone (but still plenty to go around!). I spent many nights working on ten-page papers, feeling guilty for doing that instead of putting my kids to bed. I worried that my beautifully understanding and supportive husband might feel resentful of his new home duties.

I released my stay-at-home mom self using Jane Hart’s “Seven Steps” process—over and over again until I felt adjusted to my new role as a partner to my husband as we parented together in a new way. I said goodbye to the helpless victim in me as I embraced my new responsibilities as a self-employed therapist and business woman.

The thing about any glass ceiling is that it is only made up of a thin veil of doubt and false beliefs—and perhaps a sprinkle of fear and laziness here and there. When we feel ourselves hitting our heads against it, that’s our call to put our courage on and charge ahead!

What is your glass ceiling? Ask yourself, “What calls to me that I don’t believe is possible for me? What keeps me from trying? What do I need to give up in order to make it happen?” Find those answers within yourself, then move on it, one step at a time. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it!

Waiting on God? Use Your ‘God Mind’!

As a child, when I wasn’t making smart choices, my mom would say to me, “Lynn, use your God Mind!” My God Mind? What is that? It took me a while to realize that this is my inherent Divine Intelligence. Wow! I have the ability to think things through, to discern what is right from wrong, to handle myself with wisdom–no excuses!

You’ve probably heard people say, “I’m waiting for God to tell me what to do”, then sit around without doing a single thing to support themselves. At these times, my college roommate and dear friend used to quote her mother’s favorite motto: “The Lord helps those who help themselves!” That was her mom’s way of saying, “Use your God Mind!”

Of course there are times when we wait, when it’s not time to take action. But it is important to discern between waiting for the appropriate time to act and being afraid to act. The difference is that when we are waiting for right timing, we feel calm and trust the flow. Fear of acting, on the other hand, can stem from feeling anxious about an outcome, stepping outside of our comfort zone, or not wanting to change.

Once I was traveling by airplane alone with my young daughter. I was used to relying on my travel-adept husband to guide the way. On this occasion, the first leg of our trip brought us to the airport an hour late, and we needed to catch the second leg of our flight in less than 20 minutes–on the other side of the airport! During our necessary stop to the restroom, I felt paralyzed. What are we going to do? This is bad! Now we’ll be stuck here!

This stinkin’ thinkin’ was interrupted by a strong inner voice telling me, “Use your God Mind!” I stopped and realized that I could either sit here in fear with my child, or…make a run for it! So we ran! And we made our next flight, and somehow our luggage did, too!

Practicing using our God Mind reminds me of St. Francis’ Prayer for Peace that begins, “Make me an instrument of Your Peace.” St. Francis is asking to be a channel for divine qualities of hope, light, love, and joy. Why not also ask to be a channel for Divine Wisdom? While we are waiting for God to tell us what to do, God may be waiting for us to use our “God Mind”, to take intelligent action, to do what is in front of us to do!

Here’s an updated prayer (if I may be so bold) to help awaken that God Mind–that innate Infinite Intelligence–in you:

Make me an instrument of Your Mind.
Where there is doubt, let me have faith.
When I feel fear, don’t let me stay stuck!
Where there are questions, I will seek answers!
When I want to hide because circumstances feel too hard or too scary,
Remind me that You are in me,
Along with Your eyes, wisdom, and solutions.
Help me trust my own Divine Self,
That I may never feel lost, nor stagnant, nor abandoned.
I acknowledge and awaken to
Infinite Wisdom, Infinite Love, Infinite Will,
Guiding my open and listening heart.

Try this (or any method of quieting your thoughts) when you feel stuck or afraid, and see how getting still and opening to your inherent Infinite Wisdom–your God Mind–can support your next right action!